DS hurt someone yesterday.

[Rhonda96]

DS hurt the feelings of a girl at church yesterday. :cry: He was joking around and said the wrong thing. He was in his Sunday School classroom and talking with a girl he has had conflict with in the past. The teacher was not there yet and things were said. DS said something in a joking matter not knowing how it would affect the girl who has had major family issues. The girl's Aunt stepped into the room and intervened in the situation and she had her own hurt from the situation. The Aunt was there because she is to sub when the teacher is not there. DS was so upset he left the building and she came to our Sunday school class and got DH to explain what happened so he could go after DS.

:cry: It was one of those times when I see the absence of DS's social and communication skills. The way things played out it made me wonder just how much/ or how well he reads the facial and verbal cues of others. DH told DS he needed to apologize but he did not do so in the morning. We took him to church last evening hoping that the girl would be there to apologize to but she was not there.

DH and I had a very long conversation about DS and his behavior . DS struggles to see the other side or other people's view point. DH thinks he is just immature and we have missed teaching him to be understanding and consider other's feelings. I on the other hand suspect that some of this stems from traits found in someone with Asperger's. It gets really frustrating when DH and I differ on why DS behaves as he does. It really effects how we view discipline and consequences. It was a rough day. :cry:
Please pray for the girl and her Aunt for they both were hurt. Pray for DS for his part in all this and his self esteem.

Note.... to clarify. This thread is me sharing . It is not my intent to ask for advice. It is me asking for support and prayer. If anyone feels lead to offer advice please understand how disturbed and upset we are trying to manage as parents. If anyone feels the need to judge my parenting on this thread please pm me. If anyone feels that they want to judge my DH then keep it to yourself please.

[Laney]

:bighug: What a difficult situation all around!

[Rhonda96]

The Aunt is a old friend of ours and it hurts when things happen between friends. Her son is a good friend of DS's and that makes it all difficult .. knowing that DS hurt people that we care about.

The girl DS hurt has been through a lot she does not know her father and her mother died when she was 7. She is now 11. She had lived with her grandparents since her mother died and her grandmother died last year.:cry: There are issues there and then DS says the wrong thing and does not seem to realize the extent of his actions.

[Cindy M.]

Rhonda.. I just can't imagine the struggle trying to figure out what is "normal" misbehavior for a boy his age and what is related to his other issues ( such as this insert foot in mouth comment). Deciding on an appropriate response to each situation must wear you out. Nothing is simple is it? You have prayers. I am not in your shoes to offer much support but I do have a hug if you want it.

[Rhonda96]

Rhonda.. I just can't imagine the struggle trying to figure out what is "normal" misbehavior for a boy his age and what is related to his other issues ( such as this insert foot in mouth comment). Deciding on an appropriate response to each situation must wear you out. Nothing is simple is it? You have prayers. I am not in your shoes to offer much support but I do have a hug if you want it.

Cindy, Thank you I so needed that hug. It means a lot to know that someone understands that finding out "normal " for someone his age is not easy.

[happymomof5]

I understand. :bighug: We have had the same thing with my ds (9). It's the same between my dh and I too, and it is really hard. My ds has not been "officially" diagnosed with aspergers, but we know he's on the spectrum, and suspect aspergers. I don't think they understand their words or actions at times. But on the flip side, my ds can be such a sweetheart, and very empathetic (almost too much) in some instances. It is very hard to deal with. I feel like my mommy strings are being pulled in every direction when things like that come up. I also struggle with the "looks" that other parents give to me when something does happen in public. Then I feel like I'm not parenting him correctly, but they don't see his disability, and that makes it harder. :gaah: Prayers for you and your family!

[Rhonda96]

I understand. :bighug: We have had the same thing with my ds (9). It's the same between my dh and I too, and it is really hard. My ds has not been "officially" diagnosed with aspergers, but we know he's on the spectrum, and suspect aspergers. I don't think they understand their words or actions at times. But on the flip side, my ds can be such a sweetheart, and very empathetic (almost too much) in some instances. It is very hard to deal with. I feel like my mommy strings are being pulled in every direction when things like that come up. I also struggle with the "looks" that other parents give to me when something does happen in public. Then I feel like I'm not parenting him correctly, but they don't see his disability, and that makes it harder. :gaah: Prayers for you and your family!

Yes, it is so hard when your childs possible disability is not known or seen or understood. My son I am sure did not mean to be so hurtful. I told the aunt of the girl that DS did not know the whole story of the girl . DS's actions involved a comment about the girl's mother. I wanted to explain his shortcomings in communicating . I was met with a look and was responded to with a comment that tells me DS's actions hurt the aunt as well.

[Saralynn]

:hug:

[Kim2005]

Praying for you all, Rhonda.

:bighug:

[4littlelambs]

***sigh***

I'm so sorry... I can relate and I can give hugs.

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Hoping for softened hearts and forgiveness by next time they meet.

[BCatherine]

Awe, bless his heart :(

(((HUGS))) For him and for you.

The hard thing about Aspergers is that you really can't explain it to the aunt or the little girl (or anyone who doesn't have personal experience with it) b/c they usually just see it as a behavioral issue and not a true disease. :cry:

So, they just see what you say as 'excusing' his behavior rather than truly understanding that he didn't even realize what he was doing. It's so sad. :(

I'll pray for everyone. :hug:

FWIW, I do think that they get 'better' as they get older. The thing about Aspergers is not that they can't get these things....it's just that they have to be taught these things. Things that 'normal' children know simply due to observation -- aspergers children have to be taught and learn to notice and observe and practice. They don't have the natural cues so they have to be taught to react in "XYZ" situation. kwim?

Anyway....from someone with a 14 year old son with Aspergers who I absolutely adore.....and who has put his foot in his mouth more times than I can count......I offer you lots of HUGS. :bighug:

[dedife]

:console:

[MaeinTX]

Oh Rhonda- I'm so sorry. I didn't see this earlier.

I agree with this:
FWIW, I do think that they get 'better' as they get older. The thing about Aspergers is not that they can't get these things....it's just that they have to be taught these things. Things that 'normal' children know simply due to observation -- aspergers children have to be taught and learn to notice and observe and practice. They don't have the natural cues so they have to be taught to react in "XYZ" situation. kwim?

You can't teach them to react in every situation. I think it is so hard for the father's to undestand. It's not your dh's fault.

:bighug:

[Flautista]

Rhonda, I'm so sorry! My DD1 used to find herself in similar situations, not knowing what she did wrong. We didn't know she had Asperger's or even what it was, so we were really flying blind as we raised her.

You are doing an amazing job with him! I can tell from your posts how much you and your DH love your DS and want what's best for him.

I'm praying!

:bighug:

[JDPudge]

:console:

[DDofEve]

Hmm. I guess I still find myself in this situation a lot.

I am extending Sympathy and empathy toward your ds. Social grace is very difficult to find sometimes!